Why Mummy Drinks by Gill Sims

Author:Gill Sims [Sims, Gill]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, Topic, Marriage & Family, Fiction, Family Life, Humorous, General, Family & Relationships, Parenting, Motherhood, romance, Romantic Comedy
ISBN: 9780008237493
Google: zrC-DQAAQBAJ
Amazon: 0008237492
Publisher: Harper Collins
Published: 2017-10-19T00:00:00+00:00

FEBRUARY

Monday, 1 February

Sam is in luuuuuuurrrrrrrve. If Sam was any more of a besotted teenage girl he would be writing into the Just 17 problem page and asking how he could tell if a boy liked him or not. His current dilemma, which he spent twenty minutes debating after school this afternoon and then continued via group texts to Hannah and me, is whether or not he should celebrate the one-month anniversary of his first date with Mark in a couple of days, or whether he should hang on and go all out for Valentine’s Day. He literally shoe-horns Mark’s name into every conversation, it’s so sweet. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if he has been practising signing his name ‘Sam Evans’ and doing that sum where you add up all the letters in your names to work out your ‘compatibility’.

Hannah, meanwhile, has decided that if Sam can find love again after the cheating pig rat Robin, then maybe she too should dabble in the dating pond again (her analogy, not mine, personally all I could think of was pond scum when she described it thus).

Anyway, she has discovered a nice, middle-class website where your friends describe what a fabulous person you are and why people should want to go out with you, and has decided that it is a much better bet, because the men on there don’t look the dick-pic sort. Sam snorted at this and said all men are the dick-pic sort given half a chance, and Hannah took umbrage.

Poor Hannah, I really hope she knows what she’s doing. She definitely deserves somebody lovely, unlike dastardly bastardly Dan the Dick, but I’m not sure meeting men online is right for her. She has at least asked me to write her ‘blurb’ for the website, though I am not entirely certain what I should put: ‘I’ve known Hannah since we were eleven. Be nice to her and don’t send her photos of your knob, or I will find you and chop it off.’ Too much?

‘I’ve known Hannah for many years. She likes cheese and wine and films and having a laugh with friends. She enjoys reading and travelling and spending time with her family. She is a lovely person with a positive personality.’ Too bloody bland. That could be anybody. Oh God, this is much harder than it looks.

‘Hannah is great fun.’ Nope. I’ll be describing her as ‘zany’ or ‘madcap’ next. Maybe I shouldn’t try so hard to ‘sell’ her?

‘Hannah is kind, loyal and loving.’ Hannah apparently is a Golden Retriever now. Who knew writing a short paragraph about why someone should shag your best friend would be so hard? Maybe I should just go up to some bloke at the bar next time we’re out and tap him on the shoulder and say ‘My mate really fancies you, do you want to snog her?’ like we did when we were about fourteen.

I wonder if fourteen-year-olds still snog, or by that stage have they moved on to making hardcore pornos? I have all this joy to come with Peter and Jane.

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